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How do I write a good message to someone?
How do I write a good message to someone?

Learn how to write an effective opening message to someone that’s respectful, polished, and leaves them wanting more.

Updated over a week ago

We know that writing that opening message to someone you’re interested in can be difficult and intimidating, but it’s the key to getting noticed and standing out.

We recently conducted an Ashley Madison member survey* and 43% of responding members said that when they don’t respond to someone, it has something to do with the messages they received.

Their reasons included:

  • Not receiving enough messages from someone (22%);

  • The messages weren’t interesting (6%); and

  • The messages were vulgar or poorly-written (4%).

To help you write a message that breaks through the clutter and increases your chances of sparking a connection, follow these tips below:

Personalize: Take the time to read someone’s profile and reference something that stood out to you. This will show you’re interested – don’t just send a generic message (nothing can kill a conversation faster than “hey”). When you personalize your message, it’s more likely to grab attention and encourage someone to chat with you.

Try something like:

Hi [Username]. I came across your profile and noticed that we both enjoy hiking. Have you been on any great hikes lately? I’m always on the hunt for new trails to explore. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Be respectful: Being polite and respectful right out of the gate is essential to keeping the conversation going. Avoid using inappropriate language or innuendo until you have a read on who you’re talking to and what they like.

Keep it brief: Don't write a long essay in your first message. Keep it short and sweet, and focus on making a good first impression.

Try something like:

Hi [Username]. Your great sense of humor really came through in your profile and made me laugh. Would you be interested in chatting a bit, and hopefully I can return the favor?”

Ask questions: Ask members a question about something they mentioned in their profile, like their profession, hobbies, or interests. This shows that you’re interested in getting to know them better.

Try something like:

Hi [Username]. I’m fascinated by your work in architecture – do you have any interesting projects you’re working on right now? I’d love to hear more about it over coffee sometime. Cheers!

Avoid compliments about appearance: While we all usually love to be complimented, commenting on someone's appearance in a first message can come across as shallow or insincere. Instead, focus on something they said in their profile that impressed you and compliment that.

Try something like:

Hi [Username], your photo with your dog is really cute! I have a dog too, and love going to the dog park with him. Would you be interested in meeting up for a pup playdate? Cheers, [Your Username].

Use proper grammar and spelling: A message riddled with typos or incorrect punctuation can prevent someone from responding to you. Make sure your message is free of grammatical and spelling errors to show that you’re taking the time to communicate clearly and effectively.

Tip: Technology is your friend. If spelling and grammar aren’t your strong suit, leverage apps and programs like Grammarly or Google docs to ensure the messages you’re sending are well-written and polished. Sending an illegible or unpolished message can be a huge turn-off for members.

Be yourself: Don't try to be someone you're not in your message. Be authentic and let your personality shine through. Nothing can sink a conversation faster than realizing who you’re talking to is full of it.

Important: Never share your phone number, banking information, or any other personal information with a stranger.

A thoughtful first message can increase your chances of receiving a positive response and starting a conversation with someone who interests you. And remember, a good first message and a complete profile go hand in hand.

A note on discretion: At Ashley Madison, we strive to keep our community secure and discreet. That’s why our members control when to reveal personal details to other members, including photos and certain profile information.

*The Ashley Madison Member Survey was conducted in March and April of 2023, with the results reflecting the opinions of a small sample of 3,277 Ashley Madison members.

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